If you think someone you know has been sexually assaulted, there are lots of ways in which you can help them.
If someone has been sexually assaulted their reactions can vary; they may be afraid, angry or appear to have no outward reaction at all. They might even act in ways that seem unusual or surprising to you. All these reactions are perfectly normal .
Disclosures can come in many forms; it could be something said jokingly, a story that someone starts to tell then stops and says it doesn't matter, or it could be a question. You are not expected to be a professional counsellor, however how someone responds to a first disclosure can be really important. It can take time for a person to decide what they want to do and how they want to move forward.
What to consider
- Are they in immediate danger? If they are in immediate danger or seriously injured, you can call 999.
- Find a safe space. If an incident has just happened try and find somewhere they feel safe. If this isn't possible and they are scared or fearful you can suggest they call University security on 01962 827666 (King Alfred Quarter) or 01962 827667 (West Downs Quarter).
- Does the survivor have any injuries? If the survivor has any physical symptoms after an assault you should seek medical help. If they have more than a very minor injury, or were unconscious for even a short time, you should take them to Accident and Emergency
Sexual assault is a crime of power and control. The most important thing is to respond in a way that maximises their choice and control over what happens next. You can simply ask them what they need or want. They might not make the same decision you would; however, only they can decide what is best for them. You can help them explore options, but avoid telling them what they should do. However if you think there is a risk of danger to themselves or to others you may need to consider reporting the issue even if this breaks a confidence.
Listen. Just taking the time to listen to someone and talk about what has happened can help. Listen actively - here are some tips on how to do that (based on the Samaritans guidelines for active listening).
Give options. When they have finished talking ask them if they are ok to talk through some possible options and next steps. Remember, it is important that they decide what they want to do. Listen and be open to what they are telling you. Try not to ask for a lot of detail, and make it clear that you are ready to listen. Offer practical support, such as directing them to the online Report + Support Platform, and/or providing details of specialist support services.
Report
- Reporting to the Police: If they are thinking of reporting to the police, you will find useful information here.
- Reporting the incident anonymously. You can call crime stoppers at any point on 0800 555 111 or use their online form.
- Report + Support: Students and staff can report an incident using the University’s Report + Support platform. Encourage them to submit a report with their contact details, so that an adviser will be able to talk through their options and support available, in confidence.
Do also signpost them to the further information on the It happened to me page of Report and Support.
Remember
Anyone who has experienced sexual violence needs to be listened to, whether they have just been attacked, or are talking about events that happened some time ago (for example, in childhood). You can help in many ways:
- Listen to what they have to say in their own time. It might not be easy to start talking about something that has been hidden for a long time. The abuser may have threatened them to stay silent.
- Respect their feelings and decisions. Crying can be part of the healing process.
- Remember it is not their fault - no-one asks to be abused or deserves it or can be blamed for being unable to prevent the abuse.
- Recognise the courage it takes for someone to speak. It takes a great deal to face up to fears and to talk about any experience of sexual violence. It can be important for friends and family members to acknowledge the courage it has taken for someone to speak about what happened.
- Don’t tell them to forget about it. Don't say, “It happened a long time ago, why does it suddenly bother you now?” Healing can take time and some people block or try to forget traumatic events. This is a way of coping with what has happened. Remembering can be triggered by events such as the birth of a baby, a TV programme, marriage, starting university & moving away from home, changing job, starting a new relationship and so on.
- Don’t ask them why they didn’t fight back. People can freeze when confronted with a terrifying situation and our bodies react to attempt to minimise further violence.
- Don’t ask why they didn’t say anything sooner. If it happened when they were young they may have tried to tell but been ignored or disbelieved. They may have been threatened or been too frightened to say anything. Most people do try to tell someone at some time.
- Don’t tell them what to do. They need to be in control of the decisions about matters which affect them. You can help them to explore options available.
- Don’t pressure them into doing or talking about things they are not ready to face. When they are ready they will speak.
Your feelings
Seeing someone you care about dealing with a traumatic experience can be distressing. It is important that you get support for yourself. Without such support, it can be really hard for you to be there for your friend or family member. Try asking a trusted friend or family member or contact Student Support and Success or (for staff) the Wellbeing Officer.